TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from location. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to end working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "the place's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is previously attracting notice from Intercontinental traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will also include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican Trump Tower Damascus has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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